Today's headlines.....
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Posted:Aug 9, 2012 1:45 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2012 3:56 pm
39645 Views
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Wait for it...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wow, he must have been a really popular guy
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18
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Bedtime Stories: Goldilocks And The Three Bears (From A Legal Perspective)
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Posted:Aug 8, 2012 8:10 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2013 5:52 am
38057 Views
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Are you all tucked up comfortably boys and girls? Good, then let us begin shall we?
This is the story of a family of three bears who lived in a small cottage, deep in the woods. Quite how three bears came to live in a cottage is very much open to debate (did they consume the previous owner?) but that is a matter for another time. Anyway, one day the three bears decide to go out for a walk whilst their porridge cools down (Holy shit! – These bastards can cook to?!) Off they go and all seems well….until that is, a sneaky little shit called Goldilocks turns up with decidedly felonious intent….
Straight off the bat, she commits the crime of unlawful entry, a charge alone that would likely see her way to a hefty fine and a possible custodial sentence (depending upon any prior convictions she may have held). But Goldilocks wasn’t about to call it a day there, oh no, for next she decides to help herself to the bear's porridge! The bloody cheek! – That right there is also technically an additional charge of theft and aggregating the two charges, she’s now likely facing at least a month in the slammer (and rightfully so!)
Having sated her belly, she next turns her attentions to a somewhat less than professional critique of the bear’s interior design, namely their chairs. Sitting on the biggest bear's chair she bemoans it being too big so opts to sit her criminal arse on the baby bear's seat…..which she subsequently breaks. Yep, that’s criminal damage right there and she can fully expect a few months in the joint now.
All this malicious and wanton criminal activity is clearly tiring work though and Goldilocks now decides to go for a sleep…..in the bears beds no less! I don’t know about the legal ramifications of this act but it sure as hell is bloody creepy if you ask me.
A short while later the bears return and are dismayed to find their home having been violated and their property vandalised. Hearing some snoring upstairs they investigate to find the felon responsible fast asleep in the baby bears bed.
[image]
Unfortunately, before they can exact a well deserved revenge upon this miscreant bitch, she suddenly awakes and flees through the window however. Following the correct course of legal action, the bears hastily file a report to their local law enforcement who subsequently put out a warrant for her arrest. Goldilocks is subsequently apprehended but thanks to bleeding heart, liberal intervention, is allowed to issue a counter claim regarding personal injuries she sustained firstly from falling from the baby bear's chair and secondly from the minor glass induced lacerations she suffered from her escape through the window.
The case continues…..
The End.
So....what is your verdict jurors?
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5
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Your Blog
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Posted:Aug 7, 2012 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2014 7:01 am
47623 Views
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I've previously read many wonderful recommendations regarding other blogs and bloggers on the site from the many superb bloggers I regularly watch (shit – I had to reread my own sentence there a few times but you get the gist of it…I hope?) In turn said recommendations have subsequently widened my horizons and introduced me to many other excellent bloggers whom I would perhaps never have come across otherwise. In a nut shell, I therefore believe blog ‘pimping’ as it is often known, to be a good thing So, is this a post wherein I do some pimping of my own? Well, I could of course here the amazing authors I myself have subscribed to (many of whose blogs I really need to catch up with as I've gotten so far behind after being away for a while - My sincerest apologies every one, but I will get around to you, I promise ), however as though via divine inspiration, I was suddenly struck by an even better idea!
Yes, I'm giving all you lucky people the chance to shamelessly plug your own blogs right here and now thus serving the dual benefit of free advertising for you and saving my typing fingers for me
This exclusive, once in a lifetime offer is of course available to all my regular watchers but also newcomers alike; Hell, I’m so laid back that you can even someone else’s blog if you’d like to. The bottom line is, expanding our horizons is a good thing, so let’s spread the love everyone
Aren’t I delightfully altruistic eh?
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9
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'Tis a very sad day indeed....
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Posted:Aug 7, 2012 6:15 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2012 4:25 pm
37133 Views
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Yes, it's been a most unhappy one for me as today I was forced to fire my gardener who in fact had only just started this morning
I left him with simple instructions to trim my hedge which was increasingly resembling an aerial view of the Amazon Rainforest whilst I popped out to the shops. Straightforward enough I mused and indeed, all should have gone smoothly. Unfortunately however, upon my return I was greeted by the following sight..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
For anyone interested, the above is actually taken from a vegetarian festival wherein the locals insert increasingly large and bizarre items through their mouths because...well because it's just awesome Said event is held every year on an island off the south west coast of Thailand charmingly named...wait for it.... . . . . . . . . . . . . Phuket (Yes, I shit you not!)
(For the phonetically correct among you, the name is actually pronounced 'Poo-Ket' unfortunately though. What a shame...)
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HNW
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Posted:Aug 1, 2012 4:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2018 4:33 am
48198 Views
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Blimey, it's been ages since I've joined in this event so I thought I would chip in an effort to show that I'm not a completely unsociable git after all
Well, I've previously shown my torso, arse, arms and even my beloved feet so this time I thought I'd go for something a bit different and altogether more intimate.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
No, not THAT kind of intimate! Anyway, here are my eyes; Now you'll please forgive me if they appear a little bloodshot - I was up until a ridiculously early hour last night playing Minecraft (Oh come on, it's so bloody addictive!)
Anyway, may I wish you all a great Half-Nekkid Wednesday
PS. May I have a special round of applause for not including any sick pics in this post?
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49
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(Page:)
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Testicle Tuesday
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Posted:Jul 31, 2012 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2012 1:30 am
40230 Views
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Yes, it’s time once again to celebrate the glory of gonads with the lovely pussnbooties’s Testicle Tuesday and what better way to demonstrate the marvels of man marbles than with a bit of good old fashioned male bonding…. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yep, what could be better than four good pals gathered together, clearly enjoying one another’s company…..whilst completely naked bar for their socks…..and sporting saline infused bollocks….and with what appears to be electrical tape wrapped tightly around the base of their scrotums. Er…..ok. Anyway, may I award extra bonus points to the tanned chap second from the left on his somewhat regal looking moustache; Kudos my good fellow! Even the late Salvador Dali would be mightily envious of that rather splendid, follicular lip adornment.
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23
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Er.....I couldn't think of a title for this one...
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Posted:Jul 30, 2012 1:05 pm
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2012 5:54 pm
40263 Views
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....yes, sorry about that folks but maybe you might like to give me your thoughts on the following..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Um....hold on though....is it just me or does this bear an uncanny resemblance to the late, Clark Gable?
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24
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Medical Exclusive!
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Posted:Jul 25, 2012 10:20 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2012 1:53 pm
38255 Views
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You know, I for one never cease to marvel at the amazing leaps forward made in medical science. Truthfully, many of said advances today are so incredible that they certainly wouldn’t seem of place in a sci-fi novel. Take Stem Cell research and Cloning technology for instance – simply mind boggling concepts.
Well, I’ve just had an exclusive tip off from a medical friend of mine that is surely going to change the very nature of human society forever! In fact, he has revealed to me that far from being merely an abstract concept talked about in medical circles, the often cited notion of male fertility has been not only tested but actually perfected!
He wishes to remain anonymous but has nonetheless passed on to me actual photographic evidence of this next great milestone in the world of medicine. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I therefore present unto you now, the very first evidence of a man…….giving birth! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I don’t know about you good readers, but I for one am at a complete loss for words over this awe inspiring spectacle other than to express my warmest congratulations to the father depicted here on the birth of his new and almighty rectal prolapse – I mean! - /
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20
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Multiple Insertions
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Posted:Jul 23, 2012 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2012 1:53 pm
36237 Views
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You vulgar minded buggers you! Not THAT type of insertion!
In fact I'm referring to having previously featured a chap who attempted to wow us by shoving a multitude of pins through his arsehole a few posts back ( And Just When You Thought It Couldnt Get Any Worse ). Well, I was fortuitous enough to come across a fellow today who claimed that he could actually one up this amazing feat. And here he is…. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I must say that I for one was so impressed by this demonstration that I decided to interview him as an exclusive for my blog. This is what he had to say:
‘Uhhhgggh-gguuuurrrhhh-gurrrghhh’
I couldn’t agree more old chap, I couldn’t agree more.
But can anyone better this feat? Stay tuned....
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17
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101 Fun Things To Do With A Wrench
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Posted:Jul 21, 2012 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2012 2:30 pm
38873 Views
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Number 67: Twist Your Penis Around 360 Degrees
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Okaayy….What can be said for this fascinating example of self mutilation in the name of….well, who knows what the hell the purpose of this somewhat ill advised undertaking was.
Firstly, can anyone identify what type of wrench is being used here? I think it’s a pipe wrench design but I may be wrong….and I digress.
In fact, the one thing that strikes me as most interesting here is that the clearly misguided fellow has gone to the judicious trouble of donning surgical gloves for hygiene purposes (top marks old chap, top marks indeed!) but by juxtaposition is using a rusty looking tool to carry out the highly delicate and sensitive job at hand. Um....WTF?!
Let this individuals misadventure therefore serve as a lesson to us all…. Remember everyone, always be sure to clean your DIY tools prior to applying them to your genitalia.
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21
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Please Take Heed…
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Posted:Jul 20, 2012 10:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2012 10:34 am
35576 Views
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To all my blog readers I would like to forward an urgent warning that has been issued by both scientists and entomologists regarding a newly discovered and highly dangerous species of arachnid.
The spider in question is said to be particularly resilient to any nature of climate and geographical terrain and may therefore be potentially encountered anywhere in the world. It has been observed to range commonly from anywhere between three to eight inches although a number of rarer, larger specimens have been reported to reach lengths of up to fourteen inches! (even larger therefore than the Goliath Bird Eating Spider) Of particular danger is the species’ ability to spit a highly venomous substance, sometimes with enough force that it may travel many meters with aforementioned venom apparently many times more toxic than that produced by the Sydney Funnelweb and even the Brazillian Wandering Spider.
To anyone unlucky enough to come across one of these creatures, extra special care should be taken to avoid said venom getting into the eyes which invariably results in permanent blindness.
For ease of clarification, I have enclosed a photo of one of these highly dangerous arachnids below. Once again, please be vigilant everyone and stay safe. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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6
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And Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse……
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Posted:Jul 20, 2012 10:48 am
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2012 4:19 pm
35933 Views
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…..Here is the full, unedited picture for your viewing….pleasure…???…. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Um....to the owner of this decidedly unsightly apparition, I feel heartily urged to enquire, ‘WHAT THE FUCK MY GOOD FELLOW?!’
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16
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To link to this blog (Mygentlecaress) use [blog Mygentlecaress] in your messages.
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