Gotta love little old ladies!
|
Posted:May 25, 2007 8:32 am
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2007 1:26 pm
1489 Views
|
Defense Attorney: Will u please state your age?
Little old lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little old lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did u know him?
Little old lady: No, but he was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did u stop him?
Little old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old lady: He began to rub my breast.
Defense Attorney: Did u stop him?
Little old lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old lady: Well, by then I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take u?
Little old lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" and thats when I shot him, the little bastard.
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Never argue with a woman
|
Posted:Apr 24, 2007 6:16 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2007 5:19 am
1467 Views
|
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors the boat out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book" she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious.
"You're in a restricted fishing area." he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any minute, I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that sir, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you." says the game warden.
"Thats true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any minute. "
"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left.
?* Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads, its likely she can also think!
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Honey bees
|
Posted:Apr 13, 2007 9:18 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2007 9:20 pm
1372 Views
|
Just found out: now that spring is here & the flowers r in bloom, that if u r stung by a bee, u can put a penny on it for 15 minutes to take away the sting and keep it from swelling.
Imagine that!
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
hearing problems
|
Posted:Apr 5, 2007 7:10 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 11:6 am
1348 Views
|
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was abled to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "oh I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
skinny dipping
|
Posted:Apr 1, 2007 9:55 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2007 5:09 am
1370 Views
|
An elderly man in FL had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a 5 gal bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch if young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of my pond.
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Meet Bubba
|
Posted:Mar 29, 2007 1:06 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2007 5:36 am
1401 Views
|
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole to try to attract the girls with no luck.
He desided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool....they're years outta style. your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling you man you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "whats wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Too Smart
|
Posted:Mar 26, 2007 8:25 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2007 6:22 pm
1396 Views
|
A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outter office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave, she agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. P: "what is 3 x 3?" H: "9"
P: "what is 6 x 6?" H: "36" Ms. And so with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."Brooks says to the principal "let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.
M B: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" H: "Legs"
M B: "what is in your pants that you have but i do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a a question! H: "pockets" M B: "what does a do that a man steps into?"
H: "pants" M B: "what starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? H: "coconut" The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
M B: "what goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.H: "bubble gum"
M B: "what does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a does on three legs?" H: "shake hands" The pricipal is trembling.
M B: "what word starts with an F and ends with a K that means a lot of heat and excitement?"H: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Lost at Home Depot
|
Posted:Mar 16, 2007 4:49 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2007 6:38 am
1335 Views
|
Two guys, one old, one young are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says "sorry about that. I am looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says "thats okay It's a coincidence I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her anywhere and I'm getting alittle desperate"
The old guy says "well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she is wearing tight white shorts, a halter top with no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy smiles and says "doesn't matter-----lets look for yours!"
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
the duck, farmer & the big city lawyer
|
Posted:Mar 7, 2007 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2007 6:21 pm
1240 Views
|
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tenneassee. He shot & dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer was about to climb the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded " I shot a duck, it fell on that side of the fence & now I am going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied "this is my property & you are not coming over here!" The indignant lawyer said " I am one of the best trial attorneys in the USA & if you don't let me get that duck I will sue you & take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled & said "apparently , you don't know how wwe settle things here, We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked what is this Three Kick Rule?
The farmer replied well because the dispute occured on my land, first I kick you three times, then you kick me three times & so on until some one gives up.
The attorney quickly thought about the contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agrees to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbs down from the tractor & walked up to the him, His first kick planted the toe of his steel toed work boot into the groin, & dropped him to his knees. His second kick was to the midriff which sent the lawyers last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmers third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & managed to get to his feet, Wiping his face on his jacket he says "ok old fart it is now my turn."
The old farmer smiles & said "Naw I give up. You can have your duck."
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Use a Ribbon
|
Posted:Mar 3, 2007 9:08 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2007 6:20 pm
1238 Views
|
A couple has a who snores... Really snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's privates and he will stop snoring. "yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dogs privates. Sure enouph, the stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs in bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's jewels. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very comfused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dogs testicles. He shakes his head and bends close to the and whispers, "I don't know where we where or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place."
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
New Sex Study
|
Posted:Mar 1, 2007 6:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2007 6:50 am
1231 Views
|
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up & begs..............
The wife rolls over & plays dead..........
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Birds & Bees in 2007
|
Posted:Feb 21, 2007 9:59 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2007 7:31 pm
1287 Views
|
A little boy goes to his father & asks "daddy how was I born?". The father answers: " well , I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Then I set up a date via-email with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive, as soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button nine months later a little Pop-up appeared that said .....................................
You got male.
|
|
1
comment
|
|
nursing done right
|
Posted:Feb 19, 2007 11:26 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2007 6:51 am
1222 Views
|
A nurse was doing her rounds while washing a male pacient (he was recieving oxigen). Threw his mask he asked her "is my testicles black?" she kindly told him she is not suppose to wash that area. but he asked again "are my testicals black?" giving in she gently put the two nuts between her fingers while turning them gently she tells him "No sir these babies are just fine."
Thats real nice but Listen very carefully, are my test results back?
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (wishlist3) use [blog wishlist3] in your messages.
|
|
Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
|
|
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
121
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|