Backseat blonde...
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Posted:Jan 25, 2007 9:32 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 8:53 pm
1826 Views
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A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.
"Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
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Two Arabs and a Marine
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Posted:Jan 23, 2007 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 12:18 am
1859 Views
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and SPIT in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and SPIT in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN
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Medical Definition of Guts and Balls
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Posted:Jan 14, 2007 7:49 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2007 8:55 pm
1945 Views
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in The outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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Do you turn off the lights?
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Posted:Jan 12, 2007 8:39 am
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2007 9:06 pm
2050 Views
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . if you explain about the .
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The Convict
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Posted:Jan 9, 2007 3:18 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2007 1:56 am
1938 Views
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A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too
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The first time....
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Posted:Jan 8, 2007 2:08 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2007 6:11 pm
1805 Views
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Murphy leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time ' s sake?"
"Oh Murphy, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There ' s a police officer -- O ' Malley - sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. O ' Malley thinks, "I ' ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I ' ll just keep an eye on them so there ' s no trouble."
So O ' Malley follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and Murphy drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, Murphy moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching O ' Malley has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, Murphy and the missus collapse panting on the ground.
O ' Malley is amazed. He thinks that he has learned something about life that he didn ' t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
O ' Malley, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing! I ' ve got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, O ' Malley says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must ' ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Murphy says, "Fifty years ago that wasn ' t an electric fence".
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David the Fisherman
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Posted:Jan 6, 2007 7:10 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2007 12:07 am
1872 Views
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David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, David still had no luck.
As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man
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How to make a woman happy....
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Posted:Jan 5, 2007 11:24 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 8:53 pm
1844 Views
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How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked 2. Bring food and beer
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Bubba's Lawyer
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Posted:Jan 4, 2007 4:13 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 8:53 pm
1799 Views
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Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin .. . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
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No sex since 1957
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Posted:Dec 29, 2006 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2007 10:38 am
1952 Views
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> Crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. > > "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" > > "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > > "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." > > "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." > > The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." > > The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. > > Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" > > "1957, ma'am." > > "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. > > Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!" > > The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Gotta love Military time!
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Merry Christmas All
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Posted:Dec 24, 2006 10:59 am
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2006 4:55 pm
1866 Views
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Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope your year was filled with laughter and joy.
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Pedro & His Girl
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Posted:Dec 20, 2006 10:52 am
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2006 11:20 am
1916 Views
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> One beautiful December evening Pedro and his > girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. > > > It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, > > > "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." > > Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. > > Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. > I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. > "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch >the moon." replied Rosita > > Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." > > >Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, > we'll do Weeweechu." > > >Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... > >"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry > Christmas, > Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." > > MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! > > >NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
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Frank
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Posted:Dec 18, 2006 11:52 am
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 10:33 am
1929 Views
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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."
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