Bug spray......
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Posted:Jul 20, 2007 8:12 am
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2007 8:13 am
2802 Views
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A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."The farmer was dubious.
"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.The farmer was perplexed.
"," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?
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Bug spray......
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Posted:Jul 20, 2007 8:11 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 10:59 am
2532 Views
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A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."The farmer was dubious.
"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.The farmer was perplexed.
"," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?
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The Knob....
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Posted:Jul 12, 2007 1:52 pm
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2007 8:12 am
2507 Views
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A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
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THE POLITE WAY TO GO PEE
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Posted:Jul 3, 2007 3:25 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2007 1:52 pm
2405 Views
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to teach good manners, and asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted!
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Patriotic Duty.....
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Posted:Jun 20, 2007 5:14 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2007 3:26 pm
2559 Views
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As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.
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An elderly couple....
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Posted:May 23, 2007 8:19 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 10:59 am
2302 Views
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An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."
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A physician passed away....
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Posted:May 23, 2007 8:16 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2007 5:15 pm
2253 Views
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A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish.
Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I’ll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That’s NURSES’ Hell!"
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Double Dose...
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Posted:May 20, 2007 9:18 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2007 8:17 am
2230 Views
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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up...."
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Sipping Vodka
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Posted:May 11, 2007 12:04 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2007 9:18 am
2275 Views
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, , and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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A cowboy
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Posted:Apr 20, 2007 8:42 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2007 12:05 am
2157 Views
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A cowboy was sitting at the bar and a woman came in and sat down beside him. She asked "are you a real cowboy" He said well ma'am, I own a ranch, I tend to my cattle, I break horses and take care of my spread, so yes, I guess you could say I am a real cowboy. He then asks her, "What are you?"
The woman says "I'm a lesbian, I dream about women, I think about women all through the day, and I think about women when I am having dinner, so yes, I am a lesbian"
About that time another patron comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. He asks "are you a real cowboy?" The old cowboy turns and says, well I thought I was but I just found out I am a lesbian.
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Wal-Mart,,,,,,
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Posted:Apr 9, 2007 12:32 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2007 9:19 am
2183 Views
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In the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and , and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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Montana Trooper
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Posted:Apr 9, 2007 12:26 am
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2007 8:09 am
2165 Views
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In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 am one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls Montana.
He located the car stuck in deep snow and the engine was still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the drivers door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with nearly an empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him.
The man woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror and the trooper standing next to his car the man panicked. He jerked the gear shift into 'Drive' and hit the gas.
The cars spedometer was showing 20 30 40 then 50 mph but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon having a sense of humor began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) vehicle. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "Pull Over!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and turned off the engine. Needless to say the man from North Dakota was arrested and is still probably shaking his head over the trooper that could run 50 mph.
Who says troopers dont have a sense of humor.
P.S. On a personal note, was pulled over by a trooper a week ago for doing 65 in a 45. Didnt have my license on me, couldnt find my registration, and had no proof of insurance. Thought I was going to jail, shaking like a leaf! But to my surprise, I was given a warning to slow down and put those things in my truck!! Gawd!! I love being a woman with big tits!!
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MESS WITH MOM
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Posted:Apr 9, 2007 12:05 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 10:59 am
2178 Views
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The 's Comments and Thoughts
My came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The ''s Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these 's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call 's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.. I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test. The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?" "Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead. The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights', It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, Why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?"
Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ..I love this One!!!
from a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)
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