Years of Bad Sex
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Posted:Sep 22, 2011 9:07 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2011 9:55 pm
5944 Views
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Years of Bad Sex . . . A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?""
"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"
"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference!"
~Vaya con Dios~
Save a ...
<\___~ // \\
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Harley Guy
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Posted:Sep 20, 2011 10:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2011 8:59 pm
5970 Views
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Harley Guy . . . A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy . . . there's no problem! But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, He is . . . but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
~Vaya con Dios~
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DOLLY PARTON AND QUEEN ELIZABETH
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Posted:Sep 16, 2011 9:19 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 10:33 am
5418 Views
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DOLLY PARTON AND QUEEN ELIZABETH Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton, die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are!!!"
~ Vaya con Dios ~
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Fairy Tales
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Posted:Sep 14, 2011 10:02 am
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2011 10:04 am
5376 Views
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Fairy Tales
This is the Fairy Tale that should have been read to us when we were little! What If?. . . Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful self-assured Princess happened upon a Frog, as she set contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The Frog hopped onto the Princess’ lap and said; “Elegant Lady, I once was a handsome Prince, until an evil Witch cast a spell on me. One kiss from you, will turn me back into the dapper young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my , and forever feel grateful and most happy doing so!”
That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on seasoned frog legs, sauteed in a white wine and onion sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself; “I don’t Fucking think so!”
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind! ~Vaya con Dios~
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My New Hat
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Posted:Sep 10, 2011 8:17 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2011 1:28 pm
6131 Views
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
"Every Day on this side of the flower bed ... Is A Good Day" ~ Vaya con Dios ~
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The Man's Law
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Posted:Sep 9, 2011 8:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2011 11:26 pm
6137 Views
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert . . .
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated".
Perhaps this fool needs to return the book to the library and check out a book published since 1952 tee hee! ~ Vaya con Dios ~
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Prayer Request
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Posted:Sep 9, 2011 1:58 am
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2011 10:00 am
6018 Views
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Prayer Request . . .
I have a prayer request. There's a lady I've known forever. She's very sick. On top of that, she's being abused by those to whom she has given everything. Lies about her abound, and seem to come from all sides. Just breaks my heart. Seems there's nothing I can do alone. But maybe, if we join in and lift her up together we can heal her. She's well over 200 years old, but way too young to die. Her name is "America" ... and I Love Her!
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop . . . ~Vaya con Dios Y Amor En Su Corazon Siempre ~
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Shampoo
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Posted:Sep 5, 2011 10:04 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2011 8:50 pm
6141 Views
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Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning . . . "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!" NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads, as follows . . . "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone ... I'll be in the shower!!!
~Vaya con Dios~
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A Proud Irishman
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Posted:Sep 3, 2011 10:06 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 10:33 am
5636 Views
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A Proud Irishman . . .
A Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just delivered a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds!
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"
~Vaya con Dios~
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Adult Truths
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Posted:Sep 3, 2011 10:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2011 8:55 pm
6290 Views
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Adult Truths
1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on Step 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again...
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
20. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important!
~Vaya con Dios~
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SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE
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Posted:Aug 24, 2011 6:21 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 10:33 am
5712 Views
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SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE . . .
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says ...
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that ... I thought you were sitting on the cat.
He never heard the shot.
~Vaya con Dios~
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The Lecture
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Posted:Aug 22, 2011 9:49 pm
Last Updated:Aug 23, 2011 8:59 pm
6092 Views
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The Lecture . . . An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am. and is asked where he is going in such a hurry at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body". The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife." ~Vaya con Dios~
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MAKING OF A MILITARY MOM
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Posted:Aug 18, 2011 6:19 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2011 12:55 pm
6374 Views
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MAKING OF A MILITARY MOM When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his fifth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. Why not use the standard model?" And the Lord replied, "Have you seen the specification......s on this order? Give birth to a that will become one of my warriors; install values of duty, honor, and country into them from birth while teaching them to be compassionate and loving; safeguard this treasure through flu, sickness, cuts and scrapes knowing that she can't be with them when country calls; embrace them but let go of her precious gift to perfect strangers; brighten their day when all seems confused not knowing the pain they are enduring; have the patience of a saint when waiting for them to return home; and have two sets of shoulders to handle the weight of both love and uncertainty." The angel shrugged slowly looking down and said, "two sets of shoulders... no way!" And the Lord answered, "Don't worry, we'll make other military mothers to help carry the burden. Besides it's not the shoulders that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride, sustain the ache of separation, beat on steadily when it's too worried to do so and be large enough to say, "I Understand" when it doesn't. "Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. "Come to bed... finish this tomorrow!" "I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something special and unique. Already I have one who heals herself from within; can send joy a thousand miles away in just a small box; able to cheer them up with one phone call and can wave good-bye from a pier, a car or off a runway and understand that it is important to her country that they leave." The angel circled the model of the military mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. "But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure." "Can it think?" "Can it think? It can home school if need be" Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model." "It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear." "What's it for?" asked the angel. "It's for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!" "You are a genius," sighed the angel. The Lord looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there!"
When the Law pins a star on a man's brisket, it don't make him no wiser, but if he don't abuse it, then it gives his wisdom power for right. I ask myself many questions of which there are no answers to be found. These words are only found in the book of life to comfort their family and the answers are not in the back! United as we stand in this moment of silence in due of respect to our hero's, the Military Mom! May all their sons and daughters, husbands and wives, to all their lovers of those they love and hold dear to their heart, this country's brave men and women who have stepped forward from time to time answering the country's "Call", Come back home safe! ~Vaya con Dios~
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