There is some pep in my step
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Posted:Jul 11, 2015 4:44 pm
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2015 1:32 pm
8371 Views
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I can tell the difference in myself over the last week. While I am not 100%, I'm over 65%. I have started rethinking choices I have made over the last few weeks and while I would not do anything different because I do think things happen for a reason, I do want to learn a lesson instead of repeating the pattern as I often do. I need to cut people out of my life that seem to only want to be around me when I am at my worst, meaning I act the way they think I should. Not their fault really, I tend to gravitate to them for the safety it brings if only temporary. I am not in a position to save other people nor do I hope to ever be. I am guilty of thinking I can some how help, change or bring comfort by hanging in there. Usually brings heartache, frustration and a host of other things. Enough about that...
Now for something to ponder; I recently spoke with someone and the subject of eating pussy came up. This young man (29) said rarely if ever does he. My response was; that's unfortunate. Is there a reason men are afraid to do this? Not saying women always give blowjobs but seriously! I have been with almost as many women as I have men and NEVER had a woman not go down on me. I really didn't know what to say which is rare for me, but I had no desire to continue the conversation. Only now a few days later I am curious.
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I want to wake up on the right side of the wrong bed
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Posted:Jul 5, 2015 8:30 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2015 4:32 pm
8333 Views
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This weekend turned out to be a good one! I went to see Magic Mike with my mom and it was actually entertaining. Today started with a long hike and then lake kayaking. Kayaking speaks to my heart and it has been way too long. My body hurts but I feel mentally the best I have felt in a very long time.
I hope you all had a fantastic weekend and a great week.
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601 posts
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Posted:Jul 4, 2015 10:41 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2015 8:25 pm
7568 Views
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Apparently I have had some shit to say in the years I have been on here. Not so much in the last year but yet here I am still sharing my shit.
To start today I would like to thank every man and woman who have served this country to give me the freedom of being an independent woman who can share on a sex site the ramblings of my life. I never want to take that for granted and while I know there are much bigger things in life I understand without this freedom I would probably have been sold years ago.
The 4th is actually my favorite holiday of all. There is no expectation of gifts, fireworks, parades and usually cook outs. What could be better? I have not been in town for a few of the 4th's so I am not sure what to expect from Anchorage. The weather is overcast and we have had fires all over the state so I don't think fireworks are going to happen.
Today would have marked a year with CM had we not broken up last month. There was that 3 month break so not sure it really counts but I am counting it. I am not sure why I miss him so much since he really was a dick but I do. It could be that 40 is fast approaching and for the first time in my life I wonder if I am destine to be single without me making the decision. It's kind of like when I had to have the hysterectomy, I knew I did not want more but when the choice was taken from me I was devastated. I know this insecurity will pass and I will move on with my life as I do but that is today's thought.
On a side note I am trying to eat healthier and drink more water. I drank so much water one day this week I peed for over a minute!
Carry on.
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Going back
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Posted:Jun 24, 2015 3:08 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2015 10:55 am
7005 Views
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Monday I will go back to work from my mandatory vacation. I am looking forward to it as well as dreading it. There is a part of me that hopes they ignore me however the other part of me wants them to ask questions because it needs to be known. Nobody wants to be known as the crazy lady but we all want to be acknowledged as a person with needs and feelings. I was positive I would start my path of self-destruction the last few weeks. I even tried to put it out there but did not have the energy or desire to follow through. Yay for me, boo for the people I would have physically used. Maybe the yay/boo should go the other way.
Have I mentioned I have not had an orgasm with another person in months? Months. I have been able to do it to myself but could not with another person. Wait it may be more than months; over a year. I faked them. My body would respond and I wanted to; they were always on there teasing me, only to never actually happen. I know there is a mental block and hopefully it will go away in time. I faked because I didn't want to hurt feelings.
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All the flowers
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Posted:Jun 23, 2015 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2015 10:50 am
6385 Views
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My flowers are doing great. I forgot what I planted in some of my baskets so it's like a surprise when I see something open so beautifully. The last few weeks have been an emotional shit show and I am trying to gain my footing. I am on a mandatory leave from work. So not comfortable in my own skin at the moment and the distraction of work would be nice. The plan is to go back next Monday.
M moved back to Kenai last week and while my mama heart is broken I could not be more proud of her. She is moving on to the next phase of her life. That is what we want for our right?
I promised her I would not live off wine and cereal and have kept to it so far. Lots of cooking and cleaning. Who knew I was so domestic?
I got dumped via text a couple of weeks ago. Not something I imagined I would ever say in my lifetime. I think the worst part is there was no discussion, just a short and not so sweet message of good-bye. Probably time to get my life together; I've been saying that for about 6 years now but I really need to. I am going to therapy 3 times a week to deal with my PTSD that I swore for years I did not have. I hate admitting I am wrong.
I wish I had something more exciting to say but it's just not there.
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We're all adicts of some sort
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Posted:Jun 6, 2015 1:40 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2015 3:12 pm
6547 Views
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Drugs, drink, food, sex, attention. We all have something or all. Does addiction differ from craving? Just because you do not indulge does it mean you not addicted. If you think of it more than half your waking moments, if you dream of it while you sleep. Some of us have more control than others.
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Been awhile
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Posted:Jun 4, 2015 1:39 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2015 7:48 pm
5265 Views
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I am trying to catch up on the blogs I follow and it has been so long that many of them have pages of comments!
I have not been busy really, I have just been existing. I was asked a few days ago how I am liking the new job. I said I really don't like it. Then I thought for a minute, to be fair I just don't like anything the last few months. I then started going to therapy 2 times a week. I have learned people are uncomfortable if you say you are grieving, sad or depressed. Nobody has time for your pain. It is just not something our society accepts. So I have pretty much withdrawn. I go to work, I do what's needed and I come home. For the first couple of months after K died, I drank way too much. It didn't help. I think I am down to 1 friend whom I see on a fairly consistent basis but that's it.
Depression sucks.
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Quick and dirty
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Posted:Apr 30, 2015 7:05 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 8:13 am
5539 Views
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I have been MIA for a couple of weeks, most of it work but also needing time to just be. I am in one of the busiest times for work. Next week I should be breathing again although I said that last week.
For some reason the grief over K has been more instead of less. Guilt has become my constant companion as well. I have been avoiding therapy because I am not ready to discuss what is in my head and the idea of staring at someone for 50 minutes is really not appealing.
I am horrified about the actions of the three individuals that killed the yearling moose this week. I question what is happening in this world that someone let alone three someones would think that would be an okay thing to do.
That saying about the more time spent with people makes me like my more is oh so true.
Not much energy to write more hence the quick and dirty title.
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.
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Admitting your ugly side
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Posted:Apr 9, 2015 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2015 6:28 pm
6192 Views
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I am perfect except when I'm not, that is usually on days that end with Y. Since changing careers I have had occasion to reveal an ugly side of myself. I do not care to be the one not in charge. Being treated as a is not high on my list of things to enjoy.
I am trying to remind myself I am now the worker bee and not the manager. This takes adjustment. I like to fix things without having to ask for permission to do so. I have a cubicle now instead of an office. I have to worry if I am talking to myself too loud. Yes, I talk to myself.
I know I will learn to adapt in time. I will probably even learn to love not being the one to take the fall if things go to shit. Until then I will talk to myself (quietly) about how much I hate the cubicle world.
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Sea of yellow
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Posted:Apr 7, 2015 7:25 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2015 4:11 am
5870 Views
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I have so many blog posts I need to catch up on! I sign on and there is a sea of yellow from new posts. One of my favorites has over 20; how does she have time to write that much!?
Don't forget to vote!
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Ramble Entry
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Posted:Apr 5, 2015 11:21 am
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2015 12:41 am
6134 Views
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I am having a hard time believing we are in April already. This year is going by way too fast. My emotions have been all over the place this year. Of course I know why, I just don't know how to get back to a "normal" spot. Some days I am oh so sensitive, others I am angry with the world, then others I just don't care. Actually I could say more hours than days. All over the map here.
Subject change- When receiving an email from someone who uses the description of "professional"; do you ever wonder what kind of professional they mean? ? Sumo wrestler? Hot eater? Professional what? Why do we find it necessary to point it out when describing ourselves? Although I would be fairly impressed if I received an email from a professional hot eater. I do have some questions on that one.
Still on the harmony place where I have received NO exact matches. I really think the algorithms are off there. I did receive a, maybe you should go out with this guy email. He is 25, a former resident of a halfway house and wants lots of . That would be not even close to a match for me. Fuckers. My bff, E, says I need to get my zig-zag life together before I can possibly date someone. For him to say that is really equal to the pot calling the kettle black. That conversation was during one of my super sensitive moments. I didn't talk to him for 18 hours after that. Fucker.
Going over to M's place for Easter Brunch. Kinda strange when it is your kiddo doing the cooking and hosting. She got tired of her non-domestic mom doing making reservations with strangers. Yay her.
I hope you all have a great day no matter what your belief.
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Two months
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Posted:Mar 28, 2015 2:07 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2015 5:32 pm
6331 Views
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Today I'm angry. I'm angry K is not here, I hate that two months have gone. I'm afraid of time going too fast and losing pieces of memory of her. I have not been able to process her death yet. I have been stuffing my rage over it and now feel like I am a time bomb. I don't sleep much since she died. When I close my eyes I have horrible thoughts and I see her face. Not her happy, beautiful face but her look before she died.
I'm tired of people saying it will be okay. When I last spoke to K I told her if she was ready to go we would be okay. I promised her we would be okay. I just don't know when that is going to happen.
To top it off I have been a shitty sister, I have not been able to see her because seeing her reminds me of K, and her grief is so raw. It brings even more rage about the loss. I can't afford to lose my shit. There is nobody to catch me.
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Observations
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Posted:Mar 22, 2015 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2015 1:56 pm
6619 Views
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I am procrastinating again! Actually I have no focus; the last few months have been horrible for me. No matter how much adderall I take I cannot seem to focus. I tend to feel as if I may come out of my skin and I don't sit still for very long.
While I perused the site and read profiles it occurred to me there are people on here that may need a bit of lecturing about the whining. Yes, I whine. I use this as an outlet it saves my friends from having to listen to me. Plus my therapist says journaling is healthy. The whining I am referring to on the profiles has more to do with pictures.
Guys: If you don't want gay guys to email you and tell you have a great dick; don't put pictures of your dick on here. Or learn to take a compliment and move on. If someone is not your type no need to be rude and call names.
Women: If sex is not your primary reason for being on here, don't post pics of your vag and tits. I read profiles from women getting angry because all they get are emails from men looking for NSA. Duh! They want pussy, you show pussy, they will contact you. Fifth graders know this.
I really gave up on the whining that happens in the blogs. Who am I to judge what people feel at a particular time? I suppose I should get off my soap box and get back to studying.
It is so beautiful out again which makes it so difficult to be in the house reading boring material. I wish the study information was on audio. That would be so nice.
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To link to this blog (AK_Snowflake) use [blog AK_Snowflake] in your messages.
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