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Rose Colored Glasses
Rose Colored Glasses I felt the need to bring you up to speed. Something inside doesn't want to hide. This morning its saying to spill the beans, Before you Go put on your jeans! I just feel like writing about my story, and I'm going along with that feeling... I've been on here since '07 I guess. Looking back that long ago and realizing I came here because I was facing a huge problem that I didn't want to admit. I was trying to put a band-aid on on a gaping wound It was almost half a year later that I realized that my marriage was going to end in divorce. I saw something in my partner that I had been ignoring. In a way I was lying to myself about who I was with and why. That day that I came to my realization, was the day I accepted that I couldn't keep doing it for much longer. I have had the benefit of having a close relationship with my parents...and the opportunity to see them work through their long term marriage first hand. I knew that if I were to continue with my mom much longer, nothing I could do could change what was going on. What was going on? She attacked and pushed away anyone who could possibly care when the heat was on. I thought that I could somehow change this in her by sticking in there, by showing her how to do it. Didn't work. I found out that I can't change a person. I also found out that I can only change myself. I found out that meant taking off my rose colored glasses. It meant dealing with the nitty gritty details of life. And I didn't want to do it. I went a relationship site saying I was looking for help, guidance and a way to make it work.... When my ulterior psychological motive was to validate what I was about to do. I was about to put her in a corner and see if I could force her to change or let her make the decision. I was kind of avoiding part of the responsibility of me ending the marriage directly. I had already made my decision when I dove in and asked her to get married. I was in it to the death. Call it pride or ego, but I wasn't going to be the one to end it outright...even though I knew things were bad. I knew she had to be the one to give it all up. I didn't want to be her scapegoat. I didn't want her to be the one year's later saying how "He was the one who left me in the dust, and walked away." That was a responsibility that I was going to make her take. Wasn't going to let her play the victim. Hell or high water she was going to take that responsibility and wear it like a heavy cloak on her shoulders. The job arena dried up, so I pulled miracles out of my but to keep us fed. Meanwhile she felt the pressure mounting. I wanted to know where her loyalties were. More importantly, I wanted her to relaize where her loyalties were. There was very little income coming in, huge bills to pay and she was still saying that she was in it for the long haul, while pulling away from me and the physically and emotionally. We all found out where her layalties were. Not on the day she left, not when she tried to move her belongings out on mother's day, not even when I was served papers nine months before we agreed we would file... I found out when she told me that she would trade me, the for the house. That ended everything for me. Any hope for this human being was out of my hands when I was faced with that. I actually had to tell her that it was illegal to even say that. It was a bitter time in my life.... I integrated an entire life with this person that had to now be dismantled. I had those rose colored glasses squashed into my face. The sight wasn't so pretty anymore. Well, I had nothing to do but face it like a man! I had to put on my big boy pants to get myself and these out of this the best way possible. I had to fight that woman, not just give in to make things easier. I had done that throughout the marriage. At the time it made things easier, because I didn't have to deal with my big lie to myself. Well....until it blew up in my face. ![]() For those who don't know, it got to the point where I was in charge of a couple of little who were dealing with being abanonded by thier mom, and their mom wasn't working with me on that or the fact that the house she wanted so bad was about to go into foreclosure. Me and those were about to be homeless... Meanwhile in her little bubble, she was only worried about seeing the on Thursday nights and anything to do with the divorce had to go through her lawyer. I felt cornered myself now. She was saying things like "just let the stay with me" and "you and the can stay in my parents house" I got out of that jam by getting her and her lawyer into a room with me and my lawyer that I couldn't afford. After months of fending off her lawyer on my own, I got some results. And got to paint a little reality over her and her lawyer's rose colored glasses. Her lawyer admitted to not reading a previous settlement, and both were a little aghast that she was about to send her onto the street due to their inaction on the legal side of things. After months of being served, and her not taking any action on the legal end, I finally got one piece of paper out of her that said I could move the with me out of province. Out of all that fighting and drama, I still have nothing else. No separation agreement, no support agreements, no matrimonial property agreements....nada. I moved to the coast to start in school while working a job. The school program fell through and the job was cut back. On the emotional side of things I wasn't well. I was having anxious moments here and there. I found that I couldn't be around people for too long or at all. Thank god we make wine! I visited a psychologist after I got here. We talked about a few things and after taking some tests, we figured out that really there was not too much that needed a whole lot of work. I still had my moments though. I was still not able to sit and read a whole book, I was still having memory problems and most of all, anything concerning the divorce stuff....I wanted nothing to do with it. The 's mom came a few times for visits. She was a mess during the first time out. I wondered just how bad it could've been for the if they stayed with her...I thought I was bad off, she was a complete disaster and could barely function on day to day stuff. When I arrived here in my new home, I couldn't have landed in a better place. The pace of life is a lot slower, people ate very friendly and understanding. actually play outside and walk to school. I'm invited into people's homes for coffee. I felt the pressure leaving my body... The only pressure I had was what I was putting on myself. I've had a few 'relationships' since I've been here. I will say that I wasn't in a state of being able to look after a full time thing. Anyone I've spent time with has been very casual. Its all been just for fun. I keep that life of mine separate from home. We are all starting to come out of our funk now. The animosity that the girls have had towards their mom has been much better. They know now that she really only cares about herself first before them or anyone else for that matter. They came to that on their own. I didn't filter that at all, it was sad to hear coming from them, but it was the truth and now they know where they stand with their mom. They know that there are others that will be there for them; those that have stuck with them through this time and offered their love and support. Their aunty is their favorite "mom", their young cousins are their favorite "brothers". Its been hard on them having to leave those cousins behind, but we've managed a few trios back where they could spend time with them and see their mom too. Funny thing about that.... I've had to almost force them to spend time with their mom. ![]() Our old home had a heavy Asian cultural influence. Now, there's not even a glimmer of it. They don't miss it at all.... As a matter of fact they like how they're living now. The little one asked me this year... "Are we doing Chinese new year this year?" "I had no plans for it" "Good, I didn't want to do it anymore dad. I don't even miss the Chinese food." They've taken on violin and piano. Both have a talent for the music. The oldest is already busking in the schoolyard! She takes the money she makes and donates it to a local charity. Hahaha! Can a daddy be more proud? This year the winter rain passed by like the water that steadily drains into the ocean here. The spring came right behind the cool sunshine as surely as the pretty flowers rose from the dirt. Last year at this time I was on a mission. I was a new arrival to this strange place that had no snow. I felt encompassed with depression until I visited my psychologist. I was running every morning to ward off the depressing brain chemicals, I was visiting the beaches reveling in the sea life, the smells and the sounds of the waves which seemed sooth my tortured soul. When the summer arrived my first year here was blessed with one rare occurance of a lightning storm, which never happens here, and the rest of the months until Halloween were sunny and warm. This year, I wasn't as active. I was feeling just as though I was home. I felt setled, even with the odd bit of emotional upheaval I've had here and there. Ive been lazier than I ever have been I guess. I'm not driven to do something... I'm taking it easy so to speak. I'm taking it easy on myself. I used to have people say that I'm too hard on myself throughout the entire divorce thing. A little chat with a psychologist friend helped me solve that earlier this year. I'm not exercising like I first did when I got here, I'm keeping myself pretty well regulated now and not counting on others to point the way so much anymore. My reality has also settled itself. ![]() The 's mom calls frequently. The last time she was here we discussed finishing off the divorce. I also had to stay in check and be very tactful when she asked if there was a chance I might consider reconciling. I said no as politely and as graciously as I knew how. Somewhere back in time before all this we were friends. I don't think I can be friends even continuing on. Cordial, yes. Friends?...that's asking a little too much. I don't want people like that in my life anymore even if they've seen a team of therapists and are making headway. I'm in a way different place, doing completely different things now. I can't relate to what she talks about anymore. Even about the . We talked about the divorce because its all in her hands now. She was the one who started the divorce action, she has to be the one to close it or finalize it. I looked into finishing it off ourselves... Found out we can't while the file is open. This just means more lawyers as she doesn't have a grasp of the legal stuff. I could work out something on paper, but it still has to be submitted by a lawyer in front of a judge. We are both broke and going to school. I would also have to get a lawyer back there to represent me. That's an extra cost that right now...is out of the question. I'm thinking now that it would be nice to have it finished off. I'm starting to feel that way, which is saying something because it wasn't too long ago I wanted nothing to do with my divorce stuff.... I had my fill getting one piece of paper out of her. ![]() I'm starting to feel up to it though. Maybe in the near future I will draft something up. She's pretty open now to discussing this without too much fear and anger. Its only taken her more than two years to get to this point. I'm feeling better every day, every month, and as its now turning into years. I didn't think I would be this messed up for this long when this whole thing started. I also didn't know how much I would change. This divorce has been good. Its kind of straightened me out a little. Its also cleared up some of the cloudy bits on those rose colored glasses I used to wear. |
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It's cathartic to put pen to paper every few months, and thank God we can still do it... To me, writing thoughts out helps to set the agenda, and we all do desperately need to guide ourselves, don't we? I think just as much as you want them to have some contact with their mother, I feel the kids should have awareness of their ethnic make-up; it's a facet of their whole. I don't know how much is good, but none surely can't be right either... Kudos, mate! It's been helluva ride so far, innit? Lol... more power to you! ![]() ![]()
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ty for sharing with us and read your other post before.. Now that explains a lot and your a good person! Never forget that! Being a good parent is best thing you could have done in your life. hugs V Be happy with what you have and are, be generous with both, and you won't have to hunt for happiness. William E. Gladstone Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
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"Asian cultural influence" So the mother of your children may not be the right fit. But your children are still asian culture mixed with caucasian.... I hope you let them find who they are as an asian. that's very important. To stagnate them from their own ethnicity .... that's all i say.. hugs my friend... obviously you are in a spot tonight and had to vent. gladly read it.. but i will speak up, and state what i read.. the children can still celebrate chinese new year, and they rightfully should.. because it's part of who they are.. not all asians are like your ex wife.... but you already know that, and what i'm telling you, you already know.. i hope you do celebrate the part of your children's lives as being asian. there is nothing of shame to hide from them about being asian.. .again, not all asian's are your wife or will act like your wife. celebrate life and what and who we are, and the color of our skin... life is a celebration... Come leave me some thoughts forujules I'd love to read them~xo~
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I read this and was in awe. Such words so honest and with perhaps a trying journey to get them expressed. It's brutal; divorce and life. I can remember the fear I felt before I said the words, "I want a divorce". It took me a long time to take off the glasses--to realize too that nothing I said or could do would make him change or even be willing to. My heart ached--at the failure...my "pride". It was difficult--with mistakes made along the way--and sadness because he refused to "see". I am a fisrt timer here but think I may come back. It's not often I can feel something through a blog but today I did. Thank you and good luck.
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Whoa - I had no idea you had been through so much, and that it is still not yet resolved. And the resilience of kids is just amazing, isn't it? I've read your previous posts on depression and anxiety - and this makes me think that you are continuing to move forward, in a positive direction. I hope that continues for you and your kids. Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
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![]() ![]() ![]() I always knew you were one of the good ones. Thanks for the insight! ![]()
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