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Filthy , dirty , nasty , repulsive , aborrent , disease-ridden , rancid , putrid , vile sex
Filthy , dirty , nasty , repulsive , aborrent , disease-ridden , rancid , putrid , vile sex My car's been constantly firing military grade rockets lately . I'm going to take in but I'd like to know something so I don't get 100% screwed . You think that's a timing belt or something ? First thing's first (by definition) I want everyone to post a topless picture of themselves wearing a yellow thong to raise awareness of phobophobia . Everyone . Now . Why do I make this "hilariously" outrageous demand ? As you all know I was convinced by statistical analysis (my Achilles heel - see attached chart) that breast cancer awareness is at this point a waste of money at best and actually counter-productive at worst . I'd talked about this (and been soundly cursed) many times in the past . But recently I've come across a truly absurd awareness campaign that we can all deride together as a group - it will bring us close together . So , the Polar Bear club is a thing . You probably know what it is . Unless you live somewhere warm , in which case it is a deal where people jump in the water in the dead of winter and then try not to die of hypothermia . For funsies . Fair enough . So a (like a high school not a little ) was doing this , jumped headfirst into shallow water and broke his neck . Of course this is a tragedy and I in no way want to sound like I'm mocking what happened to this . So what they're doing is people are supposed to post videos of themselves jumping into water , wearing white t-shirts , to raise awareness of not jumping headfirst into the water . But only if someone who's already done it has nominated you . Alright . Again , I don't want to sound like I'm being a total dick of this guy's family and friends who are trying to do something about this tragedy . Here goes . First of all , this is not something that needs an awareness campaign . If you don't know not to jump headfirst into shallow water you're either a or you're never going to learn that lesson . Either way this campaign will not effect you . Secondly why would you try to raises awareness of something by doing almost the exact thing you don't want people to do ? I would say that's akin to trying to raise awareness of drunk driving by driving while just under the legal limit . Thirdly . White t-shirts ? Really ? Because it also has to be a wet t-shirt contest ? Fourthly (and finally) what's the deal with only people being nominated being part of this campaign ? That makes no sense ? Why do we need to add elitism into the mix ? I you not someone posted a video of them doing this , admitted they were NOT nominated by someone else , and they were crucified (figuratively) by the people commenting . As is tradition on the internet . Again , I am not trying to say this wasn't a tragic loss or mock the bereaved , but this is just stupid . Man , that made me sound like a dick . Speaking of which (dicks and yellow thongs) I read a blog post the other day wherein the blogger was talking about how he's a "fool for love" and women "use" him all the time lead him on and get him to do shit and so forth and never put out . I could say a lot of things about that but that's not what I want to talk about . In particular he talked about one incident (for lack of a better term) . He was riding his bike and a car hit him . The driver was a hot chick . A hot chick with a suspended license . She was nice to him because she was trying to get him to not report her or press charges or anything . He was aware of this but went along with it because she was hot . Turns out she was a stripper (of course) so he spent all his money going to her place of business and getting lap dances from her - because there's no better way to get a stripper to like you than to pay her to do what everyone pays her to do . He was so obsessed with her that he broke into her house (well just trespassed I guess , he climbed in an open window) and stole two pairs of her panties for "an epic strokefest" where he tied the yellow thong he nabbed around his dick and then held the other nabbed panties to his face . I could also say a lot of things about this . Also I would wager the whole story is BS anyway . But the one thing I am going to say is the panty sniffing fetish (for lack of a better word) is one I really don't get . While in my experience the "pussy smells bad" notion is way overblown (like most things) its not like an awesome smell either . I can kind of see jacking off into a pair of stolen panties being something (if you're a pervert) but wearing them like a surgical mask for the purposes of inhaling is just beyond me . My point is I guess they should start putting a bitterant in lady's underthings like they do in other things to prevent inhalant abuse . To cut down on the theft . Of course there's probably people that are turned on by the bitterant too . Freaks . It was announced the other day that shark cartilage will not help prevent cancer . Which is good because I hope people will stop eating sharks not , but also makes me sad because why did anyone believe that ? Sharks don't get cancer ? That must mean I won't get cancer if I eat shark "bones" ! You know what else doesn't get cancer ? Rocks . Why not eat those ? And paint thinner . That doesn't get cancer . Guzzle some of that down . Despite what the Iroquois would have us believe you don't gain the power of something by eating it . Speaking of , the other day a hippy at work told me a vaguely racist story about how he and his (former) fiancée stopped at an Reservation on their way to some hippy drugfest and he was robbed and smacked around by some native Americans and his woman was all grabbed up on . After this his woman broke off the engagement because she "didn't feel safe" with him anymore . Which is both understandable and simultaneously 100% bullshit . I could say stuff about that , but mostly it reminded me of when I was a young fellow and I was in bed with my lady all snuggled up like two little bunnies and she swooned and said "I feel so safe with you ." Being young and stupid and not yet knowing that women despite all their talk of the contrary don't really want to know your feelings and thoughts , I said "That's good I guess but you know I can't really protect you from much of anything ." She didn't like that . Not One Bit Which now that I am older and wiser (mostly older) I realize that's my bad for spoiling the mood , but it is true . Most dudes can't protect you from shit . And even if your man is an Army Ranger who does UFC fights in his spare time and has Wolverine claws there's still like 7 trillion scenarios wherein bad stuff can totally happen to you . I don't know why I feel the need to bring this up , but I do . Kevin Hart - "I don't like the pressure that women put on men. I think women put way too much pressure on men. They do. Y'all don't even realize how much pressure you put on men. She wants you to provide for her and protect her. Whether you realize it or not, she do. Like, right now, if a fire break out right now, big-ass fire, poof, go up in the flames, the first thing she's going to do is look at you like: You got to come up with a plan, in her mind, you know. ‘Baby, get on my back. I'm going to bust us out" she want--she want to hear something stupid like that. ‘Bitch, you better stop, drop, and roll and find that exit.’ but that's what women want. Women like that security. I'm a great provider. I got money. I can pay for stuff. I don't mind that. I'm not a protector. That's where I'm, like, not that guy. You know what I mean? Like, women, you want every guy to fight for you. That's not me. I'm not a fighter. I won't say that I am. I will never pretend to be. That's not who I am. Let's say me and you go to the movies. All right, we're at the movies. We're having a good time. Out of nowhere, some guy come up and smack you in the face real hard. And if you with me, then you just got smacked. That's something that just-- I'm being honest, all right? I'm not going to do nothing about it. Now, we can talk about it when we get in the car. Let's figure out why it happened and see what we can do to prevent it from happening again. But as far as me, like, just going and doing something about it, I'm not going TO FUCKING DO IT, BECAUSE If he didn't care about your face, I know he don't give A FUCK ABOUT MINE. That's common sense. Two black eyes ain't going to get us home. Somebody got to drive. That's what I'm good at. ‘I'm a witness; I saw everything.’ When he hit you, I got behind the vending machine, 'cause I didn't want him to know that we were together. It's none of his business who I'm with. I can't believe he kicked you when you fell. That's where I got upset, 'cause you gave up. You didn't want to fight no more. Why would he put his boot to your face? That's just disgusting to me. You got to know who you are as an individual. If you're not a fighter, understand that you're not a fighter. I know I'm not a fighter. That's why I carry a whistle." Anyone listened to the new Black Keys yet ? They're one of my fav(orit)es but their last release , El Camino , was pretty weak stuff . Its the only album of theirs I never really listen to . Yesterday at work I was at a urinal , urinating , and another dude urinating looked over and said all smarmy like "nice shirt" . First of all don't look over here weirdo . Secondly , why the fuck do you care about my shirt ? "Thank you" I says and then he scowls and says "I was being sarcastic" and I smiled and said "me too ." Not a very interesting story . But it did happen . I got caught up with Justified this weekend and I have to say they next season (the last season) seems like it might be lame . I never liked the whole Ava-Boyd relationship anyway , but the way they ended it was really stupid to me . Ava breaks up with Boyd , for no reason . And then agrees to snitch on him , again for no reason . And after they spent (wasted) all this time trying to establish how deeply in love they were . Other than that it was pretty good . I hope that<b> redhead </font></b>who was on that show with Cybil Shepard is on more stuff now . I like her . I have 7 more things I was going to blog about but this is already a way too long post so I'll just do one . Like everyone (see that's a joke because most people didn't) I was way into Greek myths as lad . But I kind of got over it once I realized that everyone in those stories was dumb as hell . Example . Heracles - Hey Atlas , I need some of them golden apples , tell your daughters to give me some . Atlas - Sure , you hold up the heavens for a minute and I'll go tell them . Heracles - Sure thing buddy , I don't see any way that can backfire (they switch) Hurry back , these heavens are supes heavy . Atlas (laughing) - I'm not coming back moron , I'm free now , see you in Hades champ ! Heracles (chuckling) - You sure got me good . Hey , since I'll be holding these for all eternity would you mind holding them for a second so I can adjust my shoulder pad ? Atlas - Of course , I don't see anything that can go wrong with what you suggest (they switch back) ah man , this sucks , hurry up and adjust that pad . Whereupon Heracles walks away , bangs all the daughters in every hole and then cums on their faces (the cycle) and then take the golden apples . I'm not sure if that scene was in the Disney movie . Probably it was , those Disney people are naughty . 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If I had a body like Roxanne's I would post half naked pictures of myself every day. But, seeing as I don't.... You're not being a dick to say that most "awareness" campaigns are stupid. They are.
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